Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconbathroomstallstories: More from BathroomStallStories


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 4, 2012
File Size
1.0 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
607
Favourites
46 (who?)
Comments
27
Downloads
5
×
"We put things in the ground to grow"
I said
I sat at a park
bench
with my cane at my side
fingers dancing
along the frame
of my leg
when a girl
sat
with me
"Then why do we bury people?"
I shot a glance
towards my feet
and looked
at her bright ruby
slippers
tap your shoes three times and say
you want to go home

"so that they can grow."
I looked at her,
her hand
rummaging
and handing
out breadcrumbs
deep in thought.
"Why would they need to grow when they're dead?"
my eyebrows
crinkled at the question
then I spoke
"a seed starts from the ground, but unlike that, that is where we end. We grow for our death to become real to others."
the girl smiled
and then grasped
for my hand
but it
fell through

I am her grandfather
I am a ghost.
Thank you so much for reading, I'm trying something new in my writing, and I hope it turned out well! The thought of the story is how it sometimes is so hard to let go of someone you've known your whole life, but the longer the time apart from someone, sometimes the better you feel.
Thank you all! :)

-xoxo,
Katelin
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlivingdreamer97:
LivingDreamer97 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Very cool. :)
Reply
:iconghearradh:
ghearradh Featured By Owner May 11, 2013
your lovely poem has been featured here: [link]
Reply
:iconghearradh:
ghearradh Featured By Owner May 11, 2013
this is a wonderful poem. it just about brought me to tears. i don't know why, but it did. lovely, lovely poem.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
hmm... this is well written. I liked the story and the discussion between the grandfather (you) and the girl. The first thing that I like is that you managed to write this from someone elses perspective and still managed to pull off quite well. The talk was deep and a bit disturbing as well as makes one think. There was nothing technically wrong with this work OR technically awesome... I think the theme made it beautiful.

The one thing that I did not... well I don't like too straightforward stuff. While I do understand how the expression:

"I am her grandfather
I am a ghost"


Works for many, I think that it is too straightforward. Either going from third person perspective, or perhaps going indirectly like:

"I gaze at her,
my wrinkled hands flicker
as i try to grasp my little girl
My granddaugter,
but am unable to"


This is quite rough and on spot idea but I think it would look better like this. Then again it is up to you :) I hope it helped :aww:
Reply
:iconbathroomstallstories:
BathroomStallStories Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
Seriously thank you so so so so much for your feedback on my work! You are truly making me into a better writer and I seriously appreciate it! :D Thank you so much <3 :)
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Eh you are giving me too much credit ^^; but you are welcome and I am glad I could help :)
Reply
:iconfeekmasterson:
feekmasterson Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is absolutely beautiful.
Reply
:iconasboervin:
asboervin Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012
That is amazing!
Reply
:iconalex-mg:
alex-mg Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I am speechless.
There is wild beauty hidden in this wonderful poem and a message subtly sweet.
Congratulations, I hope to see more like this soon.
:D
Reply
:iconbathroomstallstories:
BathroomStallStories Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much! hopefully I don't dissonant with my new posts, thanks again! :)
Reply
Add a Comment: